


Through the dark

by Darca



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: A lot of feels, AND SWEET, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cute, Feels, First Love, Friendship, I am the worst when it comes to tagging my fanfiction, Love, M/M, Major Character Death Sort Of, So yeah, Summer, but it's also kind of cute, but there is a happy ending, jeanmarco, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 19:57:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8298550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darca/pseuds/Darca
Summary: Sweet memories of Jean's first, summer love.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first Jeanmarco fic. I fangirled really much over this ship at some point and I still have a lot feelings for my cute boys. I didn't really had a time to write anything with them back then, so I am trying to make up for that now. 
> 
> This fic was inspired by a song Bright Eyes - Coyote Song. When I saw a passage from this song I was struck with inspiration because it was just perfect for Jeanmarco, and I ended up writing this little thing in one go.
> 
> I really like how this story turned out and I hope it will be to your liking as well. 
> 
> Sorry for my English, it's not my native language and I have no beta, so yeah, sorry for all the mistakes.

Falling in love with you was so easy, yet difficult. You didn’t storm my life, you appeared like a first gust of summer air, that your senses register gradually over the span of time. You can feel the waves of warm wind, much warmer than it was in the spring. It smells of flowers, sun, and the stunning mixture of fruits and wheat, where we used to lay together. The sensation is overwhelming, blinding even, and before you realise what is happening, you gradually fall into a stream full of summer memories – shy glances, smiles, accidental touches that weren’t so accidental.

Falling in love with you was so easy, Marco.

You were epitome of summer, your smile bright and skin hot – tanned in the sun till it became the kind of colour that varied between brown and gold. Your freckles became even more apparent – you didn’t mind, I loved every each of them. They looked like constellations on the summer nights, when the sky was clear and we spent the whole nights up in our silly attempt to count all the stars.

You climbed trees with me, looking for ripe fruits and eating them on the spot while observing the neighbourhood, as if seeing it for the first time. We felt so powerful then, as if we were gods and nothing could bring us down, till one summer when I fell and broke my hand.

I can still remember your scared expression and the tears you shed only after you brought me to the hospital and they put on the cast. Your tears felt warm on my skin when you buried your head in the crook of my neck. They felt like a summer rain that catches you unexpectedly, but from which you don’t want to escape as it feels good on your skin. I hugged you back, and I could almost smell the sultry air that accompanies rain, and gives you hope for a sunny day afterwards.

We didn’t climb any more trees this summer, but we frequently went to play near the river side were you were catching frogs for me to show me how funny they were. Deep inside I knew something was changing inside of me, but I couldn’t exactly pinpoint the sensation. It wasn’t until the moment that summer was at its pick that I realised I’ve fallen for you.

The discovery hit me the moment you turned to me and gave me the brightest smile I have ever seen, your eyes sparkling with joy at the prospect of sleepover – it meant we will be together longer, I wanted this longer to last forever.

_Falling in love with you was so easy, I could do it in my sleep._

Your unwavering optimism and inner strength, combined with kindness made you unique. You never got angry without a good reason and you always scolded me when I was about to do something stupid. Yet you always made me smile and you showed me the better side of the world, which I missed.

You were guiding me through this summer, showing forgotten wooden tracks and the grasshoppers that lived under the leaf. The swallow’s nests, the sunflowers bigger than us, the kind, old dog from the nearby village and the hidden cave among the reed, those were only few of all the things you showed me this one summer.

It was exhilarating, extraordinary. It felt as if I could feel the life emanating from the things around me with my whole body, and it made me happy, and it made me sad, because with the end of the summer this feeling will be gone.

But I didn’t worry as we had each other. As long as you stayed by my side, curled beside me, asleep after the day full of adventures, everything was going to be ok.

_Falling in love with you was so easy._

I thought about telling you about my feelings every time I have seen your smile, but it was blindingly bright like a summer sun, and I was scared that once you knew, you will never be my sun again. That all the feelings, bright colours and the smell of summer will be gone the minute I lost you.

I didn’t have courage then to tell you, you were my summer days.

And then the autumn came, clawing at the warm days, and the leaves started changing colours. You were as happy as ever, mesmerised by the vibrant colours and the smell that came with the new season. The air was getting colder by the day, but your smile kept the brightness to it, and every time I looked at you I was reminded of the hot summer days of our youth.

And then the autumn came in its full glory and together with it came the titans. We didn’t see them then, but we heard the roar and the whispers of people around us. I held your hand – too scared to face the reality that our carefree summer days were over.

People who survived came in and all of a sudden it was too stuffy, too crowded, and we tried to spend as much time hidden in the fields as possible. It was getting more and more chilly but I refused to go back, so you stayed with me to the point where you got really sick. At the time I realised how selfish I had been, and since then I never made you come with me outside for so long.

That time I almost lost you and my heart almost stopped, not prepared for such a scenario.

We kept on growing, and only in the middle of summer two years later did I realise, you were taller than me. It was an amazing discovery, almost as if, within span of months, you grew to be another person, yet your smile and kind heart stayed the same.

By the end of that summer we decided we will join survey corps. It was for both our families and for us, because we didn’t want to be unprepared when the titans came, and we wanted to get to the military police, to wall Sina where we would be completely safe.

We made a promise that we will make it Marco, that we will be safe and we will stay together to the rest of our lives. I couldn’t imagine a life without you.

_You kept every promise you made._

The day before our mission I finally made a move and confessed to you. You looked surprised, yet not really. At that time you gave this warm, bright smile that reminded me of the summer I met you and fell for you.

You were okay with it, you accepted my feelings and hugged me so tight for a moment. I felt as if we were young boys once again, laying on the fields and imagining shapes in clouds that came to our minds.

Your body was warm and alive, and your lips tasted like the sweetest fruits from the tip of the trees.

And then you were gone. Just like that.

I saw your body, lifeless and half eaten, and I couldn’t believe the sight before my eyes.

My hands were shaking, and my throat got so tight I couldn’t say your name out loud when they asked. I was afraid that if I said it, it will become true. But whatever I did or thought it was true, and I was now leaving in a reality where you were gone.

I burned your bones with bones of hundreds of other soldiers who died that day. The bonfire was enormous, the smoke blocking the sight of stars. The heat was unbearable, yet I couldn’t feel a thing, as if my body went cold and nothing, not even summer sun could warm it again.

I made a promise to you that day, that I will live and I will do everything to make you proud of me.

_I dream of you so often, It's like you never leave._

I fought, I made friends, I went beyond who I was and became someone entirely different, yet not so much. Deep inside I missed our summer days where everything was easier, where days were long and bright, and full of fragrance that filled your lungs making your head spin in pleasant enchantment.

_But you're gone below the border.  
With a nightmare in between._

I could never forget the days we shared, although there were so few of them. Every time I tried to recall them they seemed so slip from my memory and I was afraid, so afraid that one day I will forget you completely.

We were busy with duty, busy with fighting and there was always someone who stole our time. 

_And if I should seem distracted_  
By the colour of the sky  
As a copper wire sunset plays a lullaby  
It's just to know they've stolen  
Another day from you and I

Then another summer came, and I broke into tears as we finally managed to solve the mystery. We freed the whole world from the titans and we could shake off our shackles, and see the world as it was in its full glory, but it wasn’t the case for me. Because for me the world without you was not the same. It didn’t have this particular fragrance, the colours weren’t so vibrant and the songs of birds didn’t bring joy to my heart.

The summer, where you never came back, was never the same again. I went through life, built a house, and always left it open for my friends. But I was rarely there myself. I went to the fields and forests where you showed me the magic of life. Everything was still there, it looked as if nothing changed since the day we left, but even the view from the tree wasn’t the same.

Maybe it was because I have grown and the tree seemed so small and the view from it so limited, but it wasn’t the same without your tall figure on the neighbouring branch.

I watched my friends grow older, settling down and having children of their own. The new generations were as innocent as we were, or even more so. They were never to meet the threat of the titans, and they were never to experience the pain after losing they friends and family to those monsters. They could enjoy their life, play without a worry in their life. I envied them, because I wanted to show you this world Marco, where you could laugh and live within never ending summer days.

I never fell in love again. Some people nagged me to find someone, but nobody had such a bright smile as yours. Nobody’s eyes were the same shade of light brown as yours, and they didn’t reflect the beauty of this world as yours.

I took drawing again. I did it as a child and even gave you some of my works as a present. I sucked at it, but I was stubborn and after many hours of work my canvas were filled with memories of summer days.

People loved them and bought them at high prices, but I was never satisfied with any of them. They always lacked something, something vital that would make them alive in my eyes. They weren’t the same as the real thing.

I never drew you Marco, I was afraid that I would get the details wrong, or that I would realise just how many things I forgot about your face. You were more alive in my head, and sometimes, on silent nights, I could almost hear your voice whispering a quiet goodnights we exchanged before falling asleep.

_I dream of you so often  
It's like you never leave_

And then after many, many years have passed, I suddenly woke up one day and I wasn’t were I left, and I wasn’t who I was before.

The earliest memory I have from that time, is of my mother’s face and the hot summer sun on my face. I was probably one year old at the time, it’s hard to say.

Next thing I knew was that, I was leaving a peaceful life.

I was in my room and my mom was calling me for breakfast every morning before I went to school. The city I lived in was big, and there weren’t many green spaces, but it didn’t stop me from climbing every tree in the neighbourhood.

I didn’t remember anything at that time.

I enjoyed my life, but for some unknown reason sometimes I was getting melancholic during the summer. My mom thought that maybe it was because I was allergic to something or that we rarely left the city – my parents were too busy to go for vacations.

When I grew older, I started having these flickers of images, which didn’t make sense. A lot of blood, a lot of corpses, and among those images gold fields, azure river and tall trees with an outstanding view. It was all so confusing at the time.

Later the images turned into dreams that woke me up in the middle of the night, scream on my lips.

My parents started worrying about me, but I calmed them down saying all my friends were going through this phase – it was a part of growing up. In reality I was terrified at what I saw and heard. Sometimes my dreams were so horrific that I had to throw up. I could almost feel the stench of burned and rotting bodies.

But sometimes my dreams were unbelievably warm and I never wanted to leave them again. I felt at peace within the summer of my dreams.

When I was fifteen, I started seeing some figures in my dreams – a small boy and a teenager. I never remembered their faces when I woke up, but something told me it was the same person.

On the night of my sixteenth birthday the realisation hit me, and all my past memories came flooding back to me.

I was absolutely furious because I had a new life, and I didn’t wanted to be reminded of the same, old wounds that will never heal. I cried into my pillow for a whole day before I got a grip of myself. The weight of your whole, past life wasn’t something anybody should ever experience, and I cursed the entity that brought it on me.

When I regained my memories I went and made a research. The world didn’t remember anything about the titans, the history was buried and deemed a fantasy. People had forgotten about the threat and it was as if their heroic fight had never happened.

I laughed at that humourlessly.

You see, Marco? All those fights, all those lost lives, everything forgotten.

But I could live with that. I made a promise to myself, that I won’t give in to the past and I will build my future with my own hands.

That was my plan and I was sticking to it for the next two months, but then, oh then the summer came and I was once again painfully reminded of all that happened, of all that I have lost.

It was stupid, it was real. It was the time I made a decision.

I packed my things and I told my parents I will be going sightseeing with some friends. I went alone. I am alone.

I am sitting on the train, looking at something, anything that will bring me closer to the place I want to see the most. It probably doesn’t exist anymore, torn off by modern buildings and roads.

I checked the maps to see where I lived in my past life. It wasn’t easy to pinpoint as the maps changed drastically. But I remembered the mountain that was near my village, and the pictures on the internet matched my memories.

If I wanted to be free I had to see this place one more time with my own eyes. Then I will find some cute girlfriend and I will set up a family, and I will be happy.

I took off the train on some long forgotten station that was quite rusty. It looked dirty, and old, and the wooden panels creaked under my shoes.

I looked around and started walking. After half an hour I was painfully reminded that it was the middle of the summer, and I had to take shelter in the shadows of a tree.

I looked up and decided that maybe it will be better to look at everything from above.

The view was beautiful. I felt more at ease while being up here. I was never alone in such a secluded place before and it somehow creeped me out.

I chuckled at my own thoughts. How could I be scared of being alone in the fields when, in the past, I was fighting with the titans?

Oh, maybe that was the thing. The silence was ominous in the past, because within seconds they could hear footsteps of a titan, and it meant that maybe they wouldn’t be able return back home alive.

Here I was safe, I didn’t have to be up high in case of another titans’ attack.

I looked around and sighed. Nothing looked familiar yet.

I was walking around for another two hours and I felt pretty exhausted. Summer in the city was pretty different than the one in the countryside. It was hot, and I couldn’t go to the shops with ac to cool down.

On the other hand, it felt amazing. That’s how the summer should feel like.

After another hour I finally saw it, a familiar shape of heels that made my heart beat faster.

It was here, I was almost there.

I noticed there was a cottage nearby, it wasn’t there before, and people were working in the fields.

I straightened and went on.

People looked at me incredulously, no wonder. The nearest station was probably far away and I pretty much looked like a typical city boy, I didn’t fit here at all.

But that didn’t stop me. I went on looking for the river that became bigger and deeper, and it wouldn’t be wise to go into it now.

I couldn’t find the cave, it was probably already long gone. Few minutes later I had to cover my mouth to stop myself from gasping out loud. There was a tree almost in the same spot as before. It couldn’t be the same one, too much time have passed, but it was the same type. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a descendant of the one they climbed before.

I touched the bark and it felt familiar under my fingertips. I chuckled and a solitary tear run down me cheek. I wiped it quickly, too overwhelmed by all the emotions and memories.

I took a deep breath and climbed the tree to see the neighbourhood. There weren’t as many people as during my times. As the threat of titans were long gone people expanded their territory and left this place. It made me happy, if the area became popular people would have quickly destroyed it.

I never felt such a feeling of belonging as I did here. It was a good idea to come but, at the same time, it was a terrible idea. The realisation downed at me, that I will never be able to forget about Marco, and I will always live a solitary life.

I came down and stretched my back. I took a sandwich from my backpack and then went on.

The nearby forest was my next choice and I immediately got lost, as the path I knew was nowhere to be found. I spent there another hour, looking under the leaves – searching for grasshoppers and trying to find the clearing where we used to play with Marco.

In the end, I didn’t find it, but I managed to leave the forest and get back into the fields.

The sky was clear blue and the sun warmed my skin. The delicate wind made wheat hum in a quiet whisper. It smelled of summer, I could never mistake this fragrance for anything else.

Suddenly I heard a sound that was different form everything around me. I looked around, searching with my eyes for boars or other animals that could roam through the fields and make the noise.

And that’s when I saw a figure – a boy sitting up and stretching his arms. He stood up and looked at sky, covering his eyes from the bright sun with his hand. He was facing the other way so I couldn’t see his face, but everything inside me screamed and ached with longing so great, I thought I would break.

And then the boy turned to me, his smile like a bright sun, and constellations of freckles painted on his skin.

He looked like the epitome of summer and, for the first time since that terrible day in my past life, I felt at peace and I could see, and feel, and smell the summer around me with more intensity than before.

“Marco,” I said. I was smiling and there were tears in my eyes.

The boy smiled at me even wider.

“Jean,” he said, and I broke into tears and wept for a long time in Marco’s arms.

We finally found each other, and Marco remembered me, waited for me, was there once again by my side.

I hugged him closer and whispered all my feelings, all the painful feelings I felt after Marco’s loss, and all of a sudden I realised that it’s all in the past.

Marco was here, I was here, we were safe and we were given another chance to be together.

Marco kissed me. Even his lips tasted the same as before, and I broke into a smile and cried some more, and laughed till I lost my breath.

I was once again reminded of the undeniable and overwhelming appeal of the summer that was buzzing with life, and the memories of my first love that came back to me.

_Just as I was losing faith  
You keep every promise you make_


End file.
